...to read

...so...before my kids came down the stairs this morning I wanted to made myself go for a run.

I always have so many things that I want to do.

I want to volunteer.
I want to be a good mom.
I want my house to be tidy.
I want my decorations to look great.
I want to be a good wife.
I want to be healthy.
I want to make other people happy.
I want my children to be well behaved.
I want my children to be kind.
I want to reuse old items in clever ways.
I want to read.

I could go on.  My list is the reason I began to write this blog.

And I have kept it up because it is a great way for Mark to keep up with the 'everyday'.

This morning when I forced myself on the treadmill (I want to be healthy) I had my new copy of Real Simple to entertain me (I want to read). But as I was reading a particularly depressing article I was struck by all of the terrible things that could happen to myself or my family.

Although I think the purpose of the article was to help show how others persevere through hardship during the holiday season.

The article featured:

• a woman who had been stricken with cancer (Thank goodness the mass in my throat was benign in May), 
• a woman whose home was destroyed by a fire (my biggest fear), 
• a woman facing financial ruin (thankfully Mark has a stable job but problem four could devastate this)
• a woman who husband was severely injured in Iraq (this is too difficult to think about).

Each of these stories pulled at my heartstrings.  After each feature I found myself more and more upset.  I looked at these women and recognized their strength and wondered how they persevered through those terrible troubles.  And I felt the familiar catch in my throat that comes when I am on the verge of tears.

I took a deep swallow.

And I kept on running.

Because I am always so focused on all of the things I 'want' to do I often don't reflect on my own situation.  Which is probably why I stay sane.  I feel things so deeply.

I am often asked 'how I do it all'.  Strangers make comments: "You really have your hands full!".

I don't look at is this way.  I don't think about 'doing it all'.  And I am generally willing to take on more.  The only thing I find 'full' is my heart.

Then I realized the women in the article cope no differently than I do every day.  It's just one step in front of the other.

I carry-on better if I just don't think of all the 'what-ifs' or worry about being lonely.

Surrounding myself with things that make me happy.  People that make me happy.  And a purpose in my heart.  To keep my family as safe and healthy and happy as I can.

I guess my lists just give me the tangibles to focus my energy....the focus keeps the 'catch' out of my throat.